Cheated

Here is one of those "raw" posts I spoke about in a previous blog.

     Having a baby in the NICU can make one feel cheated. And when you give birth to a full term baby that was supposedly healthy, it's a whole world of feeling let down and betrayed. For an entire pregnancy we dreamed of going back to our hospital room and once newborn procedures are done, baby comes soon after. This is if you aren't lucky enough to be in a hospital where it's all done in the same room as mom.

     For those of us who want to nurse, there's those first few sessions of nursing that can be frustrating as you both start to find your groove but also a time of deep bonding. Visitors trickle in and out and so do nurses wanting to get vitals and to "ooh" and "ah" over your new precious baby. Some of us moms get excited about the cute baby clothes so baby wears his first outfits before even leaving the hospital. We find just the right one for the newborn photos that are way overpriced but they'll be put on the hospital website for people all over the world to see.

     But for some of us who give birth to a sick baby, most if not all of those things are stripped away from us. Instead there's the routine of going back and forth to the NICU just to see our baby. Some of us get to touch and hold them, but some can only look at them through the walls of an incubator. Some of us can see just a baby with any combination of IV, nasal canula, and EKG leads. For some though it is hard to even find the baby because of so many wires, tubes, and other devices. And with all that equipment there are no cute outfits. Some moms don't even get to hold their baby til days after delivery.

     On your walk to the NICU to see your baby, sometimes you have to walk past the nursery where all the healthy babies are. Or perhaps you see a nurse wheeling the bassinet to mom's room because it's time for the baby to eat or mom just wants some bonding time. Maybe you walk past a door that's open and see family getting to meet baby. It tears your heart into several pieces at each of these. Knowing that you had hoped for them. Waited for them. Expected them.

     And since mom isn't sick or in need of medical care, she's discharged before the baby. There is no feeling in the world like walking out of that hospital empty handed. To walk into a house that's ready for the baby and yet every place a baby can hang out is empty. The bassinet, the bouncer, maybe a crib or swing. Each one a reminder of the baby that isn't there. Going to the store you see people you know or a familiar employee. All asking about the baby. Each time you have to tell them that the baby is still in the hospital.

     For me, it has been almost 6 months since Isaiah was born. Still, some of those feelings of being cheated come back when I see pictures of moms who have the "normal" experience. I still get a bit teary eyed when I think about the ton of bricks that hit me when I was told my baby was very sick and had to be taken to the NICU instead of being brought back to me. I needed to be comforted and loved but I was so out of it from the pain medicine after my c-section that I couldn't turn my brain on enough to call someone.

     This is something I haven't really talked about with anyone. I feel guilty having these emotions. I still got to take a baby home, it could have been much worse, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that I felt that way. That I still do from time to time. That I still can't go look at babies in a hospital nursery. That was one of the hardest, most challenging weeks of my life. I was hit with so many heavy things at once. At times it felt like I was in rough waters and couldn't come up for air. The only time I felt any peace in my soul is when I was able to just sit and hold him. It was the only time I felt any sense of comfort in the situation. Like God hadn't forgotten me.

     Being a NICU mom isn't for the faint at heart. It will take every ounce of courage and strength you have. When they call it a roller coaster ride they aren't joking. But you get through it. And when you get to the other side and get to finally take that baby home, your joy is bigger than any other mom who got to take her baby home the "normal" way. I'm not one for locker room speeches but God really does give his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and if you find yourself in the NICU that means He thinks pretty highly of you!